Ever since I can remember I have always been a social butterfly who loves to be around people and talk all the time. This is because I suffer with a family disease trait called ‘Only Child Syndrome’. I was raised with a mom (a nurse manager for the Dialysis unit) for the first 2 years of my life and then my dad (Sales Rep) came back to us for the last 20 years.
Being an only child has been difficult on my parents as they were unable to have any more children due to my mom having endometriosis. Many people assume that because I was an only child I was given everything, but to be honest I grew up having to learn to earn for the things I wanted and this meant working. The only time I was spoilt as a child was on birthdays and at Christmas time. When I was a little older and just after the abuse from my step-granddad happened, I developed some unfortunate traits. I disconnected from myself and became very clingy to my parents and to others, as I never wanted to be left alone. This made me into becoming an attention seeker as I lead into my teen years. If I had no one to talk too or felt like I was being ignored I would create negative attention so I would be noticed. For example: I would drink a bottle of wine, say or do something stupid in order for someone to notice me. I know this sounds pathetic but at the time it made me feel like I was wanted even if it meant people laughing at me, not with me. I also have been told I am a drama queen and I like to create drama out of something meaningless, which then makes me talk about myself more than I should.
When my boyfriend Wayne died, I became a TV, Film, Hollywood addict as it was a way of focusing on something that could make me laugh and forget about the pain I was and still going through. That is why I have 236 DVDs and the collection keeps getting larger every week. As a result of this TV addiction I have, I now have sleeping problems where I continuously wake up every hour. I am lucky if I get 4 hours sleep at night, and sleeping aids and pills do not help me. This is where I have to thank Private Practice as if it wasn’t for the show I would be completely lost. Since 2005 I picked up a bad habit of watching a movie or TV show before going to sleep. It’s become such a routine in my life that now if I tried to go to sleep with nothing on I am lying in bed all night with my eyes wide open thinking about thoughts I would rather not think about.
Trying to deal with my tragic events I have been though in life so far, has been very difficult and talking to councilor’s I find very uncomfortable. When it gets too hard, I cut and run away so I haven’t actually dealt with them yet, but I will eventually. At high school I was made to see them as I was diagnosed with a learning problem named ‘dysgraphia’. If you haven’t heard of this, it’s a communication learning problem where I know what I’m thinking in my head but when it comes out via written or voice, it can usually makes no sense. It also interferes with my comprehension skills and grammar too. This is why I can never read books because when I try to read a book and I cannot see a visual story in my head, it is just words on a page. However if I watch a film based on a book, then when I read the book version I have no problem because I can see the story in my head.
I have learnt that I am a very complicated person and that I am sure I’m not the only person who is having a rough time in their life right now. My goal is to not dwell on the past but to push forward and even though bad things happen, I believe you are only given things that you can handle. In the future I would like to help others come forward and know that it’s okay to talk about the bad things in life especially if it’s sexual abuse, alcoholism, death, learning disorders, and any other serious addictions. Talking with other people can help and whatever you do, don’t end up like me and become invested on people who you will never meet, no matter how much you want too, but just know that they are out there and they are your role model.
I am also an only child. I was very spoiled. I have such a large loving family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I was never a social butterfly. I was always different and very shy.
ReplyDeleteIn high school someone told a teacher how depressed I looked. I had to speak with the school's counselor and then a therapist and then a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with autism, a developmental disorder. It never hurt my learning, but it's why I had trouble communicating with other students and the few friends I had. Now, I have friends online and I stay at home. It's tough being an adult with autism. Luckily, I never had the awful problems you had to go through.
Part of the autism is having an obsession or fixation on something. I've always been addicted to movie and TV characters. So, it's too late for me to not be like you. I developed addictions for different reasons than yours.
Your dysgraphia sounds very interesting. Also, I love to read. I cannot imagine having trouble with reading.
---KateGreysPP
Correction/addition: I stay at home a lot. Meaning, I don't have a social life. I'm pretty lonely. Also lazy.
ReplyDeleteOh you sound so much like me and my life. I feel like i have nothing good happen to me and i feel like i am waiting forever for it. I love writing so much but sometimes it frustrating because no one can understand what i'm writing. It makes sense to me but not to others.
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