Picking up the phone and dialing the rape helpline number was a piece of cake, but once I heard the poor lady speak on the other end of the phone, I choked up and hung up on her. Yes that’s right, I chickened out and it felt good for like 20seconds, until I started to think of ‘Private Practice’. I started to tell myself ‘what would Charlotte do? What would KaDee say? And the response I imagined her saying was, ‘Tash, stop being such a coward and just do it for god’s sake! You can’t help others unless you help yourself first!’ I know I sound crazy but imaging KaDee saying that actually worked. I got the courage to ring the rape helpline again and this time instead of hanging up, I spoke human word’s, after a minute of silence first.
Should I, or shouldn’t I? I can’t decide what to do. I really want to go to my first appointment but I just know, I will be petrified to go in. Just thinking about it scares the living daylights out of me and it’s giving me the shakes just thinking about what will happen. So many thoughts are running through my head about the idea of telling some stranger about my horrific attack. I haven’t even verbally told anyone about it yet, so the thought of spilling my guts to a councilor makes me very anxious. I’m already an anxious person so is it worth putting my body through more stress than its already in? I would love to accept this and to go run and hide under my bed than going. however, I know if I don’t face up to do it, it will just eat me alive. So I have to go, I just have to! if not for me, i have to do it for all the Charlotte's out in the world. I know i owe it to myself and to other victims to come froward bout it, but the thought just terrifies me.
What are they going to ask me? What are they going to make me say? I can’t get these questions out of my head right now. I’m so worried that they will stare at me with crazy eyes, not believing a word I say because them not believing me would make me feel like I deserve everything that happened to me. I can already hear them say, ‘damn girl you bring it on yourself’ and it’s not a good feeling to have. Sometimes I do think like that and it makes me feel like God is punishing me for trying to be a good person. I hope he isn’t because I seem to be getting punished severely in the past 5 years if so. Why is it that some people get everything in life handed to them with no troubles, and I get every worst thing possible? I’ve been through, car accidents, sexual abuse, depression, alcoholism, death of boyfriend, gluten allergy, migraine aura, rape, and now neurological issues. Can there be anything else worse to come for me? I hope not! There is only so much one person can take in life so please oh please give me something to look forward too.
Ever since hearing the story about Charlotte getting raped on Private Practice, It has made me think very deeply about my own attack. It’s been giving me nightmares and no sleep, but the underline of it all is that I think it was a good thing to hear about, as it will help me deal with my experience. It is because of Private Practice that I got the courage to FINALLY ring and make an appointment with the rape helpline.
So as I wait for my appointment with the rape helpline I will start to think of the emotional and mental questions they will no doubt ask me so I am prepared. I really wish that Violet or Amy were a real therapist as she would have been my first choice. One can only wish.
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