‘Now it’s just between me and you Natasha okay? No one needs to know, not even your mom or grandma.’ This is one conversation I will never forget as I was 9 years old at the time and my trustworthy Nana, (of all people) left me alone several times with this creep! Yes it was kept a secret to what I can remember but for how long, I have no idea. All I know is that from the time this happened until now, it has affected me in more ways than I could imagine. It’s not normal for a person to be able to experience both sexual abuse and rape in one lifetime but for me unfortunately I have.
SEXUAL ABUSE
Sexual abuse scared me growing up as at the abuse started; it was the time I had learning difficulties. To my knowledge of what I can remember is that after the abuse had taken place I would go to school and not learn. I would disconnect myself from the world and go into La La land as a way of escaping. This led me into having comprehension problems and gave me the learning disorder named ‘dysgraphia’. This effect's the way I communicate where in my head I know what I am thinking but expressing it down on paper I find it difficult. I have now learnt to manage it by myself as when I write stories, essays or blogs I read it out loud to myself. This is where I can hear my mistakes but if I didn’t read it out loud, it would make no sense at all because my sentences would be all jumbled.
SEXUAL ABUSE
When I was in middle school I was an outgoing, nice girl who loved to be centre of attention. Everyone in my family thought I would be an actress when I was older and so did I. I even did drama lessons at school and loved it, but once it came to performing in front of people that was when I would freeze up. I would freeze up like a statue unable to open my lips, as everyone’s eyes glazed at me. I used to think ‘Natasha, what’s wrong with you? They are just people not killer sharks, so get a grip!’ Unfortunately telling myself that, just made me feel crazy and it didn’t help anyway. This happened all throughout high school and it only was because of my film course at ‘SouthSeas Film and Television School’ that I got over my fear of public speaking.
SEXUAL ABUSE
When I got to junior high school, my friends started to interact with guys and I tried as well but every time I would talk to one I would get tense and hyperventilate. I used to tell myself it was just nerves but deep down I knew. I knew it was because I was scared a horny teenage boy would do what my abuser did to me. This used to scare me every time I was alone with males and even family members I trusted with my life. This carried on through-out my high school years and even now I am still very cautious. Hence why I sleep with my laptop playing Private Practice on at night and my cell phone next to me, just in case.
RAPE
Having to go through sexual abuse is bad enough but to go through rape as well, is not fun at all. It definitely changes the way you think, feel and carries many intimacy issues and because of this you struggle to find someone you can trust, love and be open with. It makes you also very aware of what is going on around you and when to be cautious as I am always on the lookout for potential creeps.
RAPE
To approach a person who has been raped is like approaching shattered glass because you have to be careful where you walk and what you say to them. When the first person approached me when I was raped I couldn’t look at them as I was embarrassed, anxious and in denial. They asked me ‘Are you okay? What happened?’ I should have said ‘I have been raped and the guy is running away down there’ but instead I said ‘I just want to go home. Please just take me home!’I was stupid at the time as I never got examined for my rape because I was too ashamed and thought it was my fault. Now I have to pay the price every time I got for my woman check it hurts real badly, because I am always very tense and anxious.
RAPE
Not only does rape affect you physically but it also affects you mentally and emotionally for the rest of your life. I try to stay positive about it all but how can you? I mean there’s nothing positive or uplifting about it at all. The only positive outcome I can think of that can come out of this ordeal, is once I have helped myself I can help others. Word of mouth is a very powerful tool and one day I hope my tragedies and life obstacles can help or prevent others from going through what I have had too.
PRIVATE PRACTICE STORY
I am very grateful for ‘Private Practice’ because if it were not for the rape storyline that the phenomenal actress KaDee Strickland is part of, then I would not have opened up about my own attack. At first when I heard about the ‘Private Practice’ story I was mortified and upset for several days but as I started to think about it, it made me realize how amazing the story will be for us victims out there. Yes it will be hard to watch, but I am going to make myself watch it, even if it means clutching onto the tissue box for several weeks.
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