After hearing about the Private Practice Darkest Story on Charlotte's Brutal Attack, all i keep telling myself in the last 2days is, "I have to watch it, i just have too!" Not only is it because KaDee Strickland (who plays Charlotte) worked so damn hard on making the rape seem real, but it will also help me come to terms and deal with my own attack.
I have always tried to deny it ever happened to me because i thought no one would believe me as i was also sexually abused several times as a child from my step-grandad. That is what Charlotte will be like after it happens, she will be in denial for a while and she will feel very uncomfortably embarrassed towards the rest of the group. Charlotte is very lucky to have Cooper in her life but he too will be feeling very guilty that he could not rescue her. That was like my boyfriend when i was trying to get over my attack. He tried to be there for me but i kept pushing him away and telling me him that i was okay, but really i was not.
'Why go to counseling, when i can just watch it on my favorite show?' is a question i wish i could listen too but i'm afraid not! I have done this for way too long because in the last year since my own attack, i have used watching Private Practice on my DVDs as a coping mechanism rather than getting professional help. I have not left my house during that time and because of that i am now a hermit who is only surviving by watching Private Practice and being on the internet. i sleep only 4hours a night if i am lucky and when i am i get up every hour freaked out that someone will come in my room and attack me.
I know it will be hard for me, but i have to watch this gruesome Private Practice episode because if i don't then i will not be able to move on and i may even learn something from watching it too. I also cannot let KaDee Strickland down either, she has worked way too hard on this for me not too at least try.
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