10:00am
After my last blog I wrote, I have decided to do what Charlotte has done and that is to face the scene of where my attack and rape happened. It’s something I have been putting off for way too long and to fully move forward with my life I need to do it. I need to rip the band-aid off and face the problem head on.
Midday
The emotions of shock, horror, and fear swept over me as I sat in the car trying to physically get out and take the first step and stand in the crime scene. I kept thinking of that horrible night as my brain started over flood with flashbacks to my rape and attack, with vivid, detailed images. I was shaking like a leaf with my eyes closed, clutching for my dear life on the car steering wheel, as I was telling myself ‘I can do this, I can do this, I need too. Just think of Charlotte and all of your rape survivors, they want you to do this and you need too. Come on Tash, you are a fighter and strong, don’t let this guy defeat you.’ After telling myself this, my body started to relax, I unclenched the grip of the steering wheel and slowly started to open my eyes. Now all I had to do was get out of the car, and be done with it. The thought of doing that was killing me, and after 25minutes of being a woss, I got tough and did it.
12:25pm
As soon as I touched the memorable driveway where my rape took place, my eyes started to stream out tears. It was very overwhelming for me and made me feel very emotional, more emotional than I thought I would be. The scene looked exactly as I had remembered it. It was very beautiful to normal person’s eye with lovely gardens, an Anglican church, and lots of greenery but for me it has now been tarnished with nightmares, screams, violence, and horrific pain. As I look around at what I see in front of me, I start to panic and struggle to breathe, and I could feel a panic/anxiety attack start to arise. I needed to calm down but what will help? Picturing a sunset, lying on the beach and going DVD shopping didn’t work either, but picturing Charlotte aka KaDee smiling at me telling me it will be okay, now that started to make me relax. As I walked to the spot where it happened, I sat down and thought about everything I have been through.
12:45pm
I sat in silence in this spot for a further 20 minutes just thinking and is where something amazing happened. I felt a presence of someone beside me and no I was not imaging it. I felt my boyfriend who was killed in a car accident next to me with him saying, ‘I am watching you and I know you are a fighter. You are the strongest person I have ever known and you can beat this. God has a plan for you and he wants you to use this awful experience to help others just like you have been.’ This was the calling I needed and he was right, I’m a special person. I know that by sharing my experience with others, can help survivors come to terms with there ones and know that they are not alone.
From that moment I knew everything would be okay and if I can get through all of this, I can get through anything. Bring it on I say because nothing can defeat me! I am a survivor and I will never ever stop fighting.
A Moment of Silence:
Please take a moment of silence after reading this for all of those rape victims who never survived their attacks. My sincere apologies and love go out to all their friends, families and loved ones. My hearts goes out to you all and just know that they are up in heaven with God. God is looking after them, just like he is looking after my boyfriend.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Charlotte’s Denial in Private Practice Season 4 Episode 8
SCENE SUMMARY 1
Cooper warns: Violet, Pete, Sheldon, Amelia, Addison, and Sam about Charlotte’s return to work and not to treat Charlotte any differently. Of course after Cooper tells them this they had to do what he told them not to do, and that was act weird and nervous around her. Charlotte picks up the vibe from them all and bites their head’s off about if they are going to act nervous around her then they should just leave her hell alone.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 1
This is the excuse Charlotte needed because the truth was; she just wanted to be left alone so she can try to forget abut what happened to her. That is very understandable because I know that after my attack I just wanted to be by myself and deal with it in my own way. However my own way was to keep it hidden from the world and pretend it never happened.
SCENE SUMMARY 2
Charlotte tries to move on and tackle her problems head on by facing her St Ambrose Office where the attack happened to her. Pete walks in and tries to examine her injuries. An injury on Charlotte’s back is still very nasty and sore and she has yet to tell Cooper about it but she can’t.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 2
Facing the truth about anything is very hard but to acknowledge you were brutally attacked and raped is another thing. It’s definitely not easy to accept any kind of bad situation you have had to overcome in life and to be reminded of it every day is even worse. Because she was victimized at work where she goes every day, it will mean that it will never leave her entirely and it will be a horrible reminder of something she just wants to forget about. Luckily for me mine happened at a place where I hardly ever went too before my attack so I am grateful for that, but Charlotte’s is unfortunate.
SCENE SUMMARY 3
Charlotte and Cooper are in bed together with a big distance between them. Cooper tries to get close to her and as he tries to touch her, she flinches and bluntly says ‘No! Don’t touch me!’ Cooper backs off and asks her what he can do for her and she tells him he can get close next to her but no touching.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 3
I understand exactly how Charlotte must be feeling because not only is she physically pained, she is also mentally and emotionally hurt too. She can’t bring herself to tell Cooper how she really feels because she is trying to be the strong one and prove that her attack has not broken her. It also makes it hard because she has not yet told Cooper the whole truth about what happened that night. Cooper feels helpless and doesn’t know what he can to help her get through this. He knows why she won’t let him touch her, because it was a man that ‘robbed her’. I know exactly how Charlotte feels by referring to people as she was ’robbed’. If you really hear those words come out of a survivor’s mouth, it doesn’t just mean ‘robbed’ in the sense of material things, but also by the sense of control and identity of one’s self. So in reference to Charlotte I believe it symbolizes she had her control and power of being a strong woman robbed and she doesn’t know how to get it back.
SCENE SUMMARY 4
Charlotte tries to face her St Ambrose Office where the attack happened to her one more time but this time Violet tries to talk with her. Violet tries to explain that she too knows what it is like to be victimized as she confesses to Charlotte that she too is a rape survivor. This time Charlotte doesn’t say anything to Violet but we can see the pain in Charlotte’s eyes when the word Rape comes out of Violet’s mouth.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 4
Facing where the attack happened for any rape survivor just one time is a big deal, but to go back again in one day like Charlotte does, is extremely remarkable and brave. I know I could not have done that and it has already been over a year now since my attack. I still have not had the courage to go back to where my attack happened so I am pleased that she has already. What Violet said to charlotte was good advice but for Charlotte it was too soon to hear and I understand that. Charlotte is going through the denial stage and it is very hard to admit the fact you have been raped. I completely understood Charlotte’s reaction to Violet’s suggestions because if someone knew at the time of my attack and did what Violet was trying to do to me I would have reacted in the same way. By Charlotte telling Violet she should stop shrinking her and she can’t tell people how to run their own lives, was Charlotte telling her she just wants to be left alone and she will deal with it in her own way.
SCENE SUMMARY 5
After Violet leaves Charlotte’s Office, Charlotte’s very overwhelmed by what she heard that it triggers how she is feeling about her own attack. This lead Charlotte into a rage and trashes her office to pieces with her one good arm. She then breaks down and cries it all out.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 5
Charlotte reacts by trashing her office where the attack happened because it is the only way she can communicate how she is feeling. She has never been good at the talking thing and so this was a way she could let out her feelings of frustration and anger over the ordeal. It was her breaking point, as she knows she cannot escape what happened to her and she knows it will always be apart of her. She isn’t good at asking for help but after this she realizes that she cannot do this by herself. I know what that is like because when I was in her position after my attack, I had none to turn too either. The only way I could manage mine was by hiding myself away from the world and that is what I did. I got real good at it too and every time someone tried to get close to me I would push them away and not let them in or know the truth. Since coming forward 2weeks ago about being raped, I have learned so much about myself and know that there are many people out there who want to help people like myself live a normal happy life. We deserve to be happy and suffering in silence is not the way to go.
SCENE SUMMARY 6
Addison is feeling so overwhelmed by Charlotte’s attack that the one promise she mad to Charlotte she can no longer keep it quiet, so she tells Sam in confidence. Once she told Sam, he hinted to Violet for her to talk to Charlotte, and then once Violet was convinced Charlotte was raped, she then passed her information on to Pete. Addison also shared her information to Sheldon in the elevator. Everyone seems to know of the truth about Charlotte’s Attack except for poor Cooper.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 6
I feel for Addison, I really do, because finding out someone you know has been raped is hard to manage. I know that when I told my friend the other day, she could not believe it. She told me she thought I was acting strange this past year but didn’t know what it was and didn’t want to ask me. If I was in Addison’s position I do not think I could have told anyone especially when the victim/survivor told me not. However, some people just can’t handle hearing that kind of information and I am assuming Addison is probably one of them. It’s a shame Cooper will be the last one to find out but it usually works out that way because I know that first hand. Several months later after my attack, I met a lovely man who I trusted with my life but the whole time we went out I never told him what happened to me. He never knew and that was why I think our relationship never worked out, because I would freak out if he got too close to me, and he never understood why. I used to tell him that I wanted to wait until I got to know him better but I knew that it was a lie. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell him the reason why but maybe if I had, we would still be together now. At the start of our relationship I was total Charlotte, very controlling and strong. I was trying not to let the attack affect my life but as I became very unwell from stress I started to slowly loose my identity. Now I’m wondering if by hiding my attack has made me a stronger or weaker person. I know that I am more of an agitated, stressed, anxious, angry, hurt, frustrating, and expressive person because of it but after coming forward I now feel free. I feel like a new woman, and a very proud one at that.
SCENE SUMMARY 7
Cooper thanks Charlotte for pulling strings on one of his patient’s treatment in St Ambrose Hospital. Cooper tells Charlotte that even though she wants to be left alone, he can never do that because they are engaged and he loves her so much. Charlotte can’t communicate what she wants to say to him so instead she reaches for his hand and grabs it.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 7
When Cooper tries to reach out to Cooper by expressing to her that he will never leave her alone really moved me. This is something that makes me wish I had told my boyfriend when we were going out as the only reason why I never told him was that I thought he would run for hills if he knew the truth about me. The only way Cooper knows how to be there for Charlotte is by his kind words because he knows Charlotte is not ready for him to physically touch her just yet. When Charlotte responds by grabbing Cooper’s hand it was a way of her reaching out to him and reassuring him that she is glad he is there for her. Charlotte is not good at communicating verbally so she shows him with a simple gesture. It’s very hard to communicate to your partner about something so traumatic as being brutally attacked and with a personality like Charlotte it’s even harder. It’s harder for Charlotte because everyone as a strong person knows her. By her showing everyone that she is not okay, is showing everyone that she is weak even though she isn’t. Charlotte hates to be seen as vulnerable and as a person who struggles with that myself I too never show my true feelings. Since finding out about the rape story two weeks ago, it was the first time I have cried since my attack. I mean I never even cried when my boyfriend broke up with me, and that is saying something. When I did cry after finding out about Charlotte’s awful encounter I cried for a solid 12hours in my room. When I watched 4x07 for the first time I cried throughout the entire episode because it brought back my own attack. I’m glad I watched it though because it helped me deal with my own encounter and now I have been so open about it that it has helped others come forward now too.
SCENE SUMMARY 8
Amelia tries to reach out to Charlotte by offering her help with pill craving because Amelia is a recovering Pill Addict too. At first Charlotte refuses she needs any kind of help from her but in the end after trashing her office, she runs to Amelia’s help and pleads for Amelia to go to a meeting with her right away.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 8
When Amelia first spoke to Charlotte, Charlotte was trying to show she needed no help from anyone and that she is strong enough to work through it by herself. Amelia respected her enough to walk away but offered her assistance whenever charlotte was ready. If I had been open and had told someone about my attack at the time it happened then I would have had someone like Amelia to help me too. When my rape took place I was a recovering alcoholic and the night of the attack I decided to celebrate my 1year alcohol-free anniversary by having an alcoholic drink. Except that one, didn’t turn out to be just one, it turned out to be over twenty. That one slip up I made has cost me severe pain and if only I had a friend that night that encouraged me not to drink then maybe my rape would not have happened. However what’s in the past is in the past and I cannot change what happened. All I can do now is look to the future and make it a happy one, well try too anyway. I am so proud of Charlotte when she finally admits for help and runs to Amelia for it.
Asking for help is a huge step for a rape survivor especially someone like Charlotte because it is admitting that it happened to you. So please for all those rape, assault and abuse survivors out there who are still silent don’t be because you don’t have to be alone. Please contact www.rainn.org and get the help you need and deserve. Us survivors need to stick together. If you would like support from a survivor’s point of you then please contact me on natasha.hagan@hotmail.com or on facebook if you feel that is better for you.
Cooper warns: Violet, Pete, Sheldon, Amelia, Addison, and Sam about Charlotte’s return to work and not to treat Charlotte any differently. Of course after Cooper tells them this they had to do what he told them not to do, and that was act weird and nervous around her. Charlotte picks up the vibe from them all and bites their head’s off about if they are going to act nervous around her then they should just leave her hell alone.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 1
This is the excuse Charlotte needed because the truth was; she just wanted to be left alone so she can try to forget abut what happened to her. That is very understandable because I know that after my attack I just wanted to be by myself and deal with it in my own way. However my own way was to keep it hidden from the world and pretend it never happened.
SCENE SUMMARY 2
Charlotte tries to move on and tackle her problems head on by facing her St Ambrose Office where the attack happened to her. Pete walks in and tries to examine her injuries. An injury on Charlotte’s back is still very nasty and sore and she has yet to tell Cooper about it but she can’t.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 2
Facing the truth about anything is very hard but to acknowledge you were brutally attacked and raped is another thing. It’s definitely not easy to accept any kind of bad situation you have had to overcome in life and to be reminded of it every day is even worse. Because she was victimized at work where she goes every day, it will mean that it will never leave her entirely and it will be a horrible reminder of something she just wants to forget about. Luckily for me mine happened at a place where I hardly ever went too before my attack so I am grateful for that, but Charlotte’s is unfortunate.
SCENE SUMMARY 3
Charlotte and Cooper are in bed together with a big distance between them. Cooper tries to get close to her and as he tries to touch her, she flinches and bluntly says ‘No! Don’t touch me!’ Cooper backs off and asks her what he can do for her and she tells him he can get close next to her but no touching.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 3
I understand exactly how Charlotte must be feeling because not only is she physically pained, she is also mentally and emotionally hurt too. She can’t bring herself to tell Cooper how she really feels because she is trying to be the strong one and prove that her attack has not broken her. It also makes it hard because she has not yet told Cooper the whole truth about what happened that night. Cooper feels helpless and doesn’t know what he can to help her get through this. He knows why she won’t let him touch her, because it was a man that ‘robbed her’. I know exactly how Charlotte feels by referring to people as she was ’robbed’. If you really hear those words come out of a survivor’s mouth, it doesn’t just mean ‘robbed’ in the sense of material things, but also by the sense of control and identity of one’s self. So in reference to Charlotte I believe it symbolizes she had her control and power of being a strong woman robbed and she doesn’t know how to get it back.
SCENE SUMMARY 4
Charlotte tries to face her St Ambrose Office where the attack happened to her one more time but this time Violet tries to talk with her. Violet tries to explain that she too knows what it is like to be victimized as she confesses to Charlotte that she too is a rape survivor. This time Charlotte doesn’t say anything to Violet but we can see the pain in Charlotte’s eyes when the word Rape comes out of Violet’s mouth.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 4
Facing where the attack happened for any rape survivor just one time is a big deal, but to go back again in one day like Charlotte does, is extremely remarkable and brave. I know I could not have done that and it has already been over a year now since my attack. I still have not had the courage to go back to where my attack happened so I am pleased that she has already. What Violet said to charlotte was good advice but for Charlotte it was too soon to hear and I understand that. Charlotte is going through the denial stage and it is very hard to admit the fact you have been raped. I completely understood Charlotte’s reaction to Violet’s suggestions because if someone knew at the time of my attack and did what Violet was trying to do to me I would have reacted in the same way. By Charlotte telling Violet she should stop shrinking her and she can’t tell people how to run their own lives, was Charlotte telling her she just wants to be left alone and she will deal with it in her own way.
SCENE SUMMARY 5
After Violet leaves Charlotte’s Office, Charlotte’s very overwhelmed by what she heard that it triggers how she is feeling about her own attack. This lead Charlotte into a rage and trashes her office to pieces with her one good arm. She then breaks down and cries it all out.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 5
Charlotte reacts by trashing her office where the attack happened because it is the only way she can communicate how she is feeling. She has never been good at the talking thing and so this was a way she could let out her feelings of frustration and anger over the ordeal. It was her breaking point, as she knows she cannot escape what happened to her and she knows it will always be apart of her. She isn’t good at asking for help but after this she realizes that she cannot do this by herself. I know what that is like because when I was in her position after my attack, I had none to turn too either. The only way I could manage mine was by hiding myself away from the world and that is what I did. I got real good at it too and every time someone tried to get close to me I would push them away and not let them in or know the truth. Since coming forward 2weeks ago about being raped, I have learned so much about myself and know that there are many people out there who want to help people like myself live a normal happy life. We deserve to be happy and suffering in silence is not the way to go.
SCENE SUMMARY 6
Addison is feeling so overwhelmed by Charlotte’s attack that the one promise she mad to Charlotte she can no longer keep it quiet, so she tells Sam in confidence. Once she told Sam, he hinted to Violet for her to talk to Charlotte, and then once Violet was convinced Charlotte was raped, she then passed her information on to Pete. Addison also shared her information to Sheldon in the elevator. Everyone seems to know of the truth about Charlotte’s Attack except for poor Cooper.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 6
I feel for Addison, I really do, because finding out someone you know has been raped is hard to manage. I know that when I told my friend the other day, she could not believe it. She told me she thought I was acting strange this past year but didn’t know what it was and didn’t want to ask me. If I was in Addison’s position I do not think I could have told anyone especially when the victim/survivor told me not. However, some people just can’t handle hearing that kind of information and I am assuming Addison is probably one of them. It’s a shame Cooper will be the last one to find out but it usually works out that way because I know that first hand. Several months later after my attack, I met a lovely man who I trusted with my life but the whole time we went out I never told him what happened to me. He never knew and that was why I think our relationship never worked out, because I would freak out if he got too close to me, and he never understood why. I used to tell him that I wanted to wait until I got to know him better but I knew that it was a lie. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell him the reason why but maybe if I had, we would still be together now. At the start of our relationship I was total Charlotte, very controlling and strong. I was trying not to let the attack affect my life but as I became very unwell from stress I started to slowly loose my identity. Now I’m wondering if by hiding my attack has made me a stronger or weaker person. I know that I am more of an agitated, stressed, anxious, angry, hurt, frustrating, and expressive person because of it but after coming forward I now feel free. I feel like a new woman, and a very proud one at that.
SCENE SUMMARY 7
Cooper thanks Charlotte for pulling strings on one of his patient’s treatment in St Ambrose Hospital. Cooper tells Charlotte that even though she wants to be left alone, he can never do that because they are engaged and he loves her so much. Charlotte can’t communicate what she wants to say to him so instead she reaches for his hand and grabs it.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 7
When Cooper tries to reach out to Cooper by expressing to her that he will never leave her alone really moved me. This is something that makes me wish I had told my boyfriend when we were going out as the only reason why I never told him was that I thought he would run for hills if he knew the truth about me. The only way Cooper knows how to be there for Charlotte is by his kind words because he knows Charlotte is not ready for him to physically touch her just yet. When Charlotte responds by grabbing Cooper’s hand it was a way of her reaching out to him and reassuring him that she is glad he is there for her. Charlotte is not good at communicating verbally so she shows him with a simple gesture. It’s very hard to communicate to your partner about something so traumatic as being brutally attacked and with a personality like Charlotte it’s even harder. It’s harder for Charlotte because everyone as a strong person knows her. By her showing everyone that she is not okay, is showing everyone that she is weak even though she isn’t. Charlotte hates to be seen as vulnerable and as a person who struggles with that myself I too never show my true feelings. Since finding out about the rape story two weeks ago, it was the first time I have cried since my attack. I mean I never even cried when my boyfriend broke up with me, and that is saying something. When I did cry after finding out about Charlotte’s awful encounter I cried for a solid 12hours in my room. When I watched 4x07 for the first time I cried throughout the entire episode because it brought back my own attack. I’m glad I watched it though because it helped me deal with my own encounter and now I have been so open about it that it has helped others come forward now too.
SCENE SUMMARY 8
Amelia tries to reach out to Charlotte by offering her help with pill craving because Amelia is a recovering Pill Addict too. At first Charlotte refuses she needs any kind of help from her but in the end after trashing her office, she runs to Amelia’s help and pleads for Amelia to go to a meeting with her right away.
SURVIVOR’S POINT OF VIEW 8
When Amelia first spoke to Charlotte, Charlotte was trying to show she needed no help from anyone and that she is strong enough to work through it by herself. Amelia respected her enough to walk away but offered her assistance whenever charlotte was ready. If I had been open and had told someone about my attack at the time it happened then I would have had someone like Amelia to help me too. When my rape took place I was a recovering alcoholic and the night of the attack I decided to celebrate my 1year alcohol-free anniversary by having an alcoholic drink. Except that one, didn’t turn out to be just one, it turned out to be over twenty. That one slip up I made has cost me severe pain and if only I had a friend that night that encouraged me not to drink then maybe my rape would not have happened. However what’s in the past is in the past and I cannot change what happened. All I can do now is look to the future and make it a happy one, well try too anyway. I am so proud of Charlotte when she finally admits for help and runs to Amelia for it.
Asking for help is a huge step for a rape survivor especially someone like Charlotte because it is admitting that it happened to you. So please for all those rape, assault and abuse survivors out there who are still silent don’t be because you don’t have to be alone. Please contact www.rainn.org and get the help you need and deserve. Us survivors need to stick together. If you would like support from a survivor’s point of you then please contact me on natasha.hagan@hotmail.com or on facebook if you feel that is better for you.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Reaching out to other Rape Survivors, I’m truly Honored
In the past 2weeks I have been more open about my personal battles than I have been in my entire life. I have Private Practice to thank for that as it is because of the Rape story portrayed through the character Charlotte King played by KaDee Strickland that I have now come forward about my own rape experience. For those people who are struggling with their own sexual abuse and rape attacks, I would like to share my rape story so you know it's okay to come forward and that it is not our fault!
It started when I was 21years old and I was in town with my friends at nighttime. I'm considered an alcoholic and for that one night I decided to drink because I had a disagreement with a friend. I drunk way too much and walked off by myself. I saw this guy and though he looked cute. He took me for a walk and he wanted to sleep with me. I was drunk and said yes but before anything happened I changed my mind. I said 'no' millions of times but he didn't listen to me. Even when I cried and cried, he still didn't listen. After he raped me, I got up and tried to get away from him. Eventually I managed to get back to my friends and all I wanted to do was go home. That night I hardly slept and the next day I woke up with bad memories of what happened that night. I still do sometimes. It's been over a year to 18months now, and it was because of Private Practice I have opened up about it. I tried to pretend it never happened just like Charlotte (Played by KaDee Strickland) is off Private Practice.
After I had posted this story on RAINN, I received so many messages from survivors who I won’t mention, that were reaching out for help from me and wanting to know how they can so brave like me. At first I was overwhelmed at how many responses I had gotten via messages but once I started to read their stories about what they had to say, I was emotionally moved and honored that they felt open to talk to me. This is something I believe I will accomplish out of my horrible attack and that is to help others come forward and know that we can’t let the attackers destroy who we are as people. I know for one that it won’t define who I am as a person because I am so much stronger and better than that creep who tried to ruin my life. For so long I have been feeling like a victim and now I’m not, I’m a survivor and a proud one at that.
I have to say watching Private Practice’s last episode 4x07 of Charlotte’s Attack broke me down for a couple of days but since talking about it to some of my newfound PP twitter and facebook friends I am now feeling so much better about it all. It’s healing me and it’s about time. I have now watched the episode about 25 times and each time I watch it, it sends a sense of healing. I know that sounds strange but instead of feeling like Charlotte now, I feel like her survivor friend trying to encourage and support her by telling Charlotte everything will be okay. So this explains my outrageous PP facebook explosion on my personal Facebook profile page. It is helping me and helping others to talk about the episode and future episodes as a way of giving the sense of relief to survivors. I know it has for me anyway.
To the ones I have talked too and who have expressed suicidal thoughts, please, please do not go down that path and if you have already, now it is time to stop and get help. You can always talk to me and I will do what I can to help you get through this and just know that it is not your fault. It's never too late to come forward, so be brave like me and let's not let the attackers destroy who we are. Us survivors need to stick together. If you have any questions please feel free to ask me but I recommend you contact RAINN as they are professionals and are a great organization.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotlines (800.656.HOPE or online.rainn.org). You are not alone; it is never too late to get help!
www.rainn.org
They also have an online helpline Chat too. Please, you owe it to yourself to get the help you need, just like me!
It started when I was 21years old and I was in town with my friends at nighttime. I'm considered an alcoholic and for that one night I decided to drink because I had a disagreement with a friend. I drunk way too much and walked off by myself. I saw this guy and though he looked cute. He took me for a walk and he wanted to sleep with me. I was drunk and said yes but before anything happened I changed my mind. I said 'no' millions of times but he didn't listen to me. Even when I cried and cried, he still didn't listen. After he raped me, I got up and tried to get away from him. Eventually I managed to get back to my friends and all I wanted to do was go home. That night I hardly slept and the next day I woke up with bad memories of what happened that night. I still do sometimes. It's been over a year to 18months now, and it was because of Private Practice I have opened up about it. I tried to pretend it never happened just like Charlotte (Played by KaDee Strickland) is off Private Practice.
After I had posted this story on RAINN, I received so many messages from survivors who I won’t mention, that were reaching out for help from me and wanting to know how they can so brave like me. At first I was overwhelmed at how many responses I had gotten via messages but once I started to read their stories about what they had to say, I was emotionally moved and honored that they felt open to talk to me. This is something I believe I will accomplish out of my horrible attack and that is to help others come forward and know that we can’t let the attackers destroy who we are as people. I know for one that it won’t define who I am as a person because I am so much stronger and better than that creep who tried to ruin my life. For so long I have been feeling like a victim and now I’m not, I’m a survivor and a proud one at that.
I have to say watching Private Practice’s last episode 4x07 of Charlotte’s Attack broke me down for a couple of days but since talking about it to some of my newfound PP twitter and facebook friends I am now feeling so much better about it all. It’s healing me and it’s about time. I have now watched the episode about 25 times and each time I watch it, it sends a sense of healing. I know that sounds strange but instead of feeling like Charlotte now, I feel like her survivor friend trying to encourage and support her by telling Charlotte everything will be okay. So this explains my outrageous PP facebook explosion on my personal Facebook profile page. It is helping me and helping others to talk about the episode and future episodes as a way of giving the sense of relief to survivors. I know it has for me anyway.
To the ones I have talked too and who have expressed suicidal thoughts, please, please do not go down that path and if you have already, now it is time to stop and get help. You can always talk to me and I will do what I can to help you get through this and just know that it is not your fault. It's never too late to come forward, so be brave like me and let's not let the attackers destroy who we are. Us survivors need to stick together. If you have any questions please feel free to ask me but I recommend you contact RAINN as they are professionals and are a great organization.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotlines (800.656.HOPE or online.rainn.org). You are not alone; it is never too late to get help!
www.rainn.org
They also have an online helpline Chat too. Please, you owe it to yourself to get the help you need, just like me!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Why we love You KaDee - Poem Written by Me
We love the way you smile
We love the way you talk
We love the way you shimmer
We love the way you walk
We love the way you laugh
We love the way you stare
We love the way you stand
We love the way you care
We love the way you’re happy
We love the way you are
We love the way you dress
We love the you’re a superstar
We love the way you sparkle
We love the way you look
We love the way you’re sweet
We love the way you can cook
We love the way you’re cute
We love the way you’re nice
We love the way you’re pretty
We love the way you give advice
We love the way you’re inspiring
We love the way you fight
We love the way you get excited
We love the way you’re always right
We love the way you rock on set
We love the way you have fun
We love the way you carry yourself
We love the way you stand in the sun
We love the way you’re passionate
We love the way you’re a guest
We love the way you show yourself
We love the way you’re the best
We love the way you praise us fans
We love the way you rock the show
We love the way you talk about things
We love the way you don’t say ‘No’
We love the way you’re special to us
We love the way you’re always polite
We love the way you’re truthful
We love the way you’re a delight
We love the way you have your ways
We love the way you hold your head
We love the way you’re special to us
We love the way you’re now wed
We love the way your understanding
We love the way you give us a tweet
We love the way you’re friendly
We love the way you’re cool to meet
We love the way you cheer us up
We love the way you bring us hope
We love the way you show strength
We love the way you truly cope
We love the way you show integrity
We love the way you take your stand
We love the way you’re very willing
We love the way you hold your hand
We love the way you’re more popular
We love the way your teeth glows
We love the way you’re serious
We love the way you’re acting flows
We love the way you can shy away
We love the way you have a man
We love the way you work very hard
We love the way I’m your ultimate fan
So there are just too many reasons
As to why we love you Miss KaDee
So I wish you a big Happy Birthday
A very special happy birthday from me
We love the way you talk
We love the way you shimmer
We love the way you walk
We love the way you laugh
We love the way you stare
We love the way you stand
We love the way you care
We love the way you’re happy
We love the way you are
We love the way you dress
We love the you’re a superstar
We love the way you sparkle
We love the way you look
We love the way you’re sweet
We love the way you can cook
We love the way you’re cute
We love the way you’re nice
We love the way you’re pretty
We love the way you give advice
We love the way you’re inspiring
We love the way you fight
We love the way you get excited
We love the way you’re always right
We love the way you rock on set
We love the way you have fun
We love the way you carry yourself
We love the way you stand in the sun
We love the way you’re passionate
We love the way you’re a guest
We love the way you show yourself
We love the way you’re the best
We love the way you praise us fans
We love the way you rock the show
We love the way you talk about things
We love the way you don’t say ‘No’
We love the way you’re special to us
We love the way you’re always polite
We love the way you’re truthful
We love the way you’re a delight
We love the way you have your ways
We love the way you hold your head
We love the way you’re special to us
We love the way you’re now wed
We love the way your understanding
We love the way you give us a tweet
We love the way you’re friendly
We love the way you’re cool to meet
We love the way you cheer us up
We love the way you bring us hope
We love the way you show strength
We love the way you truly cope
We love the way you show integrity
We love the way you take your stand
We love the way you’re very willing
We love the way you hold your hand
We love the way you’re more popular
We love the way your teeth glows
We love the way you’re serious
We love the way you’re acting flows
We love the way you can shy away
We love the way you have a man
We love the way you work very hard
We love the way I’m your ultimate fan
So there are just too many reasons
As to why we love you Miss KaDee
So I wish you a big Happy Birthday
A very special happy birthday from me
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Waiting 26hours to Talk to Rape Helpline I felt Safe to Talk with, Blew me off
Okay being told that my rape was my fault by one hotline I could cope with, but three well now that has made my brain go into overdrive of thoughts and questions on the matter. Thinking about what these rape hotlines have told me (which I won’t name names) about how I could have prevented this from happening is making my brain hurt. After thinking about it for an hour, I have come to the conclusion that they are probably right. I understand where they are coming from because I was under the influence of alcohol at the time and I did give my attacker consent to sleep with me before we started anything. But when I said ‘no’ millions of times and I was aware of the situation does that still make it my fault? That’s where I get confused as to if it was my fault or not. You would think after crying so much during the situation would make the person realize I was not joking. This is where I also needed the reassurance and help from the rape hotlines but all I got from them was ‘you were not under 21, you were drinking and he was too so you are partially at fault for it but not for the actual rape part because that was wrong.’ This even came from the one rape hotline I truly felt would help me and I felt safe to talk too.
I waited for 26hours to talk to them and for them to say they can’t help me because I’m not an American or an American citizen felt like a waste of time. All I wanted to do was to talk to someone about the attack and to get some questions answered about if it was my fault or not. After talking to my newfound friend, she reminded me that they are only one organization in the entire US and don’t have any others. I forgot about that so no wonder why they didn’t want to help me. There are millions of people who are probably in the same position as me and they should come first seeing as that organization is there to help their own people first.
Just like the character Charlotte (KaDee Strickland) off Private Practice would say I am a fighter, not a victim. I will not let it get me down either because if I do, it will destroy me. I deserve to be happy because I am a good and nice person who always puts others before my own self. I have had so many bad things happen to me and I need to have something good to come my way. I pray for it everyday and one day soon I hope it comes. I also pray for those silent victims to come forward, if not to the world to someone you can trust because if you leave it too long it will just make you less happy, less loved and we deserve to be happy and to be loved!
I waited for 26hours to talk to them and for them to say they can’t help me because I’m not an American or an American citizen felt like a waste of time. All I wanted to do was to talk to someone about the attack and to get some questions answered about if it was my fault or not. After talking to my newfound friend, she reminded me that they are only one organization in the entire US and don’t have any others. I forgot about that so no wonder why they didn’t want to help me. There are millions of people who are probably in the same position as me and they should come first seeing as that organization is there to help their own people first.
Just like the character Charlotte (KaDee Strickland) off Private Practice would say I am a fighter, not a victim. I will not let it get me down either because if I do, it will destroy me. I deserve to be happy because I am a good and nice person who always puts others before my own self. I have had so many bad things happen to me and I need to have something good to come my way. I pray for it everyday and one day soon I hope it comes. I also pray for those silent victims to come forward, if not to the world to someone you can trust because if you leave it too long it will just make you less happy, less loved and we deserve to be happy and to be loved!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Private Practice 4x07 Chartlotte's Attack verses Mine Part1
The moment of Private Practice had finally come and I have been preparing for it all week by reading every possible article and interview about The Rape Story. Was I prepared enough for it though? Well after the first 10minutes of watching it I realized I was no way near ready to be seeing it. I was fine up until the part where Cooper finally sees Charlotte for the first time and he can’t look at her. This brought me into tears and as the episode progressed it just got harder and harder for me stomach it. The worst part was when we see flashbacks of Charlotte being raped. This brought back the horrible memories of when I was attacked and raped last year. The screaming, the agony, the force, the out of control, and pure fear was what I kept thinking of when watching the last scene of Private Practice 4x07 episode on Thursday night. This is because what Charlotte suffer through, is exactly what I did too and to the same extent. I was powerless over mine, he was much stronger than me, and I had no power of the situation as well. The only difference between Charlotte’s attack and mine was that I was drunk at the time so does that make it my fault?
Every day I have that question playing over and over again in my head and that is why I never went to the police about it and pretended like nothing had happened to me. When I was attacked a year ago, the guy wanted to sleep with me and the drunken person I was, went along with it. Just before anything happened I said ‘No’ and I said ‘No’ repetitively but he never listened. Even when I was crying, he wouldn’t listen and take no for an answer, so does that mean it’s my fault it happened and is it counted as rape? My twitter friends told me it was after telling them what happened and now after replaying it in my head consistently I now know that they are right. After the rape I stood up and put my clothes back on and tried to run away but as I turned around to run away he grabbed me from behind and then I went black. I managed to get back home but I never got medical attention.
The first time I told anyone about my rape was 3days ago and I didn’t open up about the attack until 2weeks ago. KaDee Strickland I have to thank for that, as it was her tweets about the Private Practice Rape Story I woke up too. At first I was mortified to finding out that my favorite TV character was the one who has to go through what I did, but now I know it was meant to be. It’s a sign that it will help me deal with my own attack that I have never had to face before. I know I have been through sexual abuse before but I was only 7 and when I was raped I was 21 so there is a big difference on how a person copes with this type of thing.
The Charlotte King Rape Storyline on Private Practice will help me to what I am going through right now and as its 4am and I haven’t slept in 2day I think I will cut this blog short and make a part 2 very soon before I start to make no sense.
Every day I have that question playing over and over again in my head and that is why I never went to the police about it and pretended like nothing had happened to me. When I was attacked a year ago, the guy wanted to sleep with me and the drunken person I was, went along with it. Just before anything happened I said ‘No’ and I said ‘No’ repetitively but he never listened. Even when I was crying, he wouldn’t listen and take no for an answer, so does that mean it’s my fault it happened and is it counted as rape? My twitter friends told me it was after telling them what happened and now after replaying it in my head consistently I now know that they are right. After the rape I stood up and put my clothes back on and tried to run away but as I turned around to run away he grabbed me from behind and then I went black. I managed to get back home but I never got medical attention.
The first time I told anyone about my rape was 3days ago and I didn’t open up about the attack until 2weeks ago. KaDee Strickland I have to thank for that, as it was her tweets about the Private Practice Rape Story I woke up too. At first I was mortified to finding out that my favorite TV character was the one who has to go through what I did, but now I know it was meant to be. It’s a sign that it will help me deal with my own attack that I have never had to face before. I know I have been through sexual abuse before but I was only 7 and when I was raped I was 21 so there is a big difference on how a person copes with this type of thing.
The Charlotte King Rape Storyline on Private Practice will help me to what I am going through right now and as its 4am and I haven’t slept in 2day I think I will cut this blog short and make a part 2 very soon before I start to make no sense.
Friday, October 22, 2010
What to Expect from Charlotte After she is Attacked Part1
What will happen to Charlotte? Who will find her? Who will she tell? How will she cope with it all? These are just some of the many questions that are playing on my mind right now after seeing ‘Private Practice season 4 episode 5’ a few hours ago. After the episode had aired to television, many of my Private Practice and Charlotte-Cooper Twitter followers were asking me the exact same questions. This is why I thought to write a blog on what I think might happen after Charlotte (KaDee) is attacked, based on my own personal rape attack experience.
We are all aware of Charlotte King’s Rape Attack and are expecting to see it at the end of next week’s 'Private Practice season 4 episode 6', but are we all prepared to what we are about to see? I know I’m not, but in order to prepare myself for this heartbreaking attack to my girl Charlotte (KaDee) I have reassure myself that what i see is not real. I also have to tell myself that it's not happening to KaDee Strickland who plays Charlotte off 'Private Practice'. It sounds stupid i know! I mean i know it's fiction and not real life but my brain is telling me it is, so it makes me question what is going to happen next with Charlotte.
My thought on Private Practice Rape Story
After Charlotte (KaDee) is brutally attacked in 'Private Practice Season 4 episode 6' I reckon she will not confide in anyone other than the doctor who has to examine her and the person who finds her beaten up. I don’t think Cooper (Paul) will find out from Charlotte what happened, but I do think he will find out from one of the others. Charlotte will most likely be very quiet and not open to talk about the attack as she probably feels embarrassed.
My Personal Experience
Like Charlotte, when I was attacked I did not want anyone to know, including my boyfriend at the time. It’s very embarrassing and shameful for the one who has to sadly experience this and we don’t even want to tell our doctors the truth. We just want to go home, move on with life and forget it ever happened because this is how I felt except it didn’t turn out like this.
My thought on Private Practice Rape Story
Cooper (Paul) will probably feel guilty about not being able to rescue Charlotte (KaDee) from the attack as he will also feel responsible for not being with her at the time. Cooper will feel helpless and will not know what to do and will not know how to comfort her. We know for a fact that Cooper will not want to leave Charlotte alone or by herself ever because he will want to protect her from this ever happening again.
My Personal Experience
I don’t know what it’s like to be a partner of someone who has been raped or attacked but I do know how my ex-boyfriend felt when it happened to me because we discussed it months later. He told me that it is the most unbearable feeling in the world not being able to control the situation. He wished he was there at the time instead of being at his friend’s place. For weeks he would be by my side and would follow me everywhere. He was very protective of me and promised he would find this creep and give me justice, but I wouldn’t let him. I wouldn’t tell him what I could remember so he wouldn’t get involved. I just wanted to move on from it and I thought I had until I heard about the ‘Private Practice’ Rape Story.
My thought on Private Practice Rape Story
Cooper(Paul) will most likely be very clingy to Charlotte (KaDee) and in time she will lean into him but at first Charlotte will go back to her old ways. Charlotte will put up her brick wall again to show that she is strong and that she doesn’t need help. I don't think it will last for long because she will realize that she can’t do it by herself. She will need Cooper more than ever and even though she will push him away at first, he will know that she wouldn’t be able to get through it without him. Hence why he would never leave her.
My thought about Private Practice Rape story
It must be bad enough for Charlotte (KaDee)to get brutally attacked then raped but having to deal with its ramifications afterwards, is catastrophic. Poor Charlotte will not want anyone to touch her and she will even not want her Cooper (Paul) touching her for a while. Because she was violated sexually and we all know that Charlotte loves sex especially with Cooper, we will probably see her turn away from it. She will no doubt avoid being touched by Cooper and will not want to have sex but the man that Cooper is, he will understand why and be by her side no matter what. Cooper loves Charlotte so much that he would never pressure her into doing something that she is not ready for. He is a good man, he is her man, and he would never walk away from her.
My Personal Experience
I know when I was raped I didn’t want to be touched by anyone, even the doctors who had to see to me. It just reminds you of the whole attack and it makes you feel that it is happening again. When my boyfriend tried to be intimate with me after the attack, I know I just couldn’t do it. I would hyperventilate and have panic attacks constantly and it took me a good 6 months to finally overcome that. Every person is different so for some people it may be longer or shorter to overcome these after effects.
Private Practice Conclusion
We all know that no matter what happens after Charlotte’s attack it will never be the same again for the lives of ‘Private Practice’. It will not just change the lives of Charlotte and Cooper, but it will also change the rest of Ocean Side wellness Group as well. They are a family and in a family if one person gets hurt they all do too, it’s as simple as that.
It will be a roller-coaster ride for Charlotte and Cooper with ups and downs but thank goodness for Shonda’s promise to us all. If you don’t know what promise she made to us, it was the fact that they will still get married and be together throughout the entire ordeal. I trust her that this promise will be kept, after-all she is the brains behind this fantastic show so what she says I believe. What will happen to Charlotte after the attack? I only know what I have seen or heard and I may be completely wrong, so it’s best to keep watching.
Special Thanks to:
Kadee Strickland playing Charlotte King
Paul Adelstein playing Cooper Freedman
AND...
Shonda Rhimes creator and writer of Private Practice
We are all aware of Charlotte King’s Rape Attack and are expecting to see it at the end of next week’s 'Private Practice season 4 episode 6', but are we all prepared to what we are about to see? I know I’m not, but in order to prepare myself for this heartbreaking attack to my girl Charlotte (KaDee) I have reassure myself that what i see is not real. I also have to tell myself that it's not happening to KaDee Strickland who plays Charlotte off 'Private Practice'. It sounds stupid i know! I mean i know it's fiction and not real life but my brain is telling me it is, so it makes me question what is going to happen next with Charlotte.
My thought on Private Practice Rape Story
After Charlotte (KaDee) is brutally attacked in 'Private Practice Season 4 episode 6' I reckon she will not confide in anyone other than the doctor who has to examine her and the person who finds her beaten up. I don’t think Cooper (Paul) will find out from Charlotte what happened, but I do think he will find out from one of the others. Charlotte will most likely be very quiet and not open to talk about the attack as she probably feels embarrassed.
My Personal Experience
Like Charlotte, when I was attacked I did not want anyone to know, including my boyfriend at the time. It’s very embarrassing and shameful for the one who has to sadly experience this and we don’t even want to tell our doctors the truth. We just want to go home, move on with life and forget it ever happened because this is how I felt except it didn’t turn out like this.
My thought on Private Practice Rape Story
Cooper (Paul) will probably feel guilty about not being able to rescue Charlotte (KaDee) from the attack as he will also feel responsible for not being with her at the time. Cooper will feel helpless and will not know what to do and will not know how to comfort her. We know for a fact that Cooper will not want to leave Charlotte alone or by herself ever because he will want to protect her from this ever happening again.
My Personal Experience
I don’t know what it’s like to be a partner of someone who has been raped or attacked but I do know how my ex-boyfriend felt when it happened to me because we discussed it months later. He told me that it is the most unbearable feeling in the world not being able to control the situation. He wished he was there at the time instead of being at his friend’s place. For weeks he would be by my side and would follow me everywhere. He was very protective of me and promised he would find this creep and give me justice, but I wouldn’t let him. I wouldn’t tell him what I could remember so he wouldn’t get involved. I just wanted to move on from it and I thought I had until I heard about the ‘Private Practice’ Rape Story.
My thought on Private Practice Rape Story
Cooper(Paul) will most likely be very clingy to Charlotte (KaDee) and in time she will lean into him but at first Charlotte will go back to her old ways. Charlotte will put up her brick wall again to show that she is strong and that she doesn’t need help. I don't think it will last for long because she will realize that she can’t do it by herself. She will need Cooper more than ever and even though she will push him away at first, he will know that she wouldn’t be able to get through it without him. Hence why he would never leave her.
My thought about Private Practice Rape story
It must be bad enough for Charlotte (KaDee)to get brutally attacked then raped but having to deal with its ramifications afterwards, is catastrophic. Poor Charlotte will not want anyone to touch her and she will even not want her Cooper (Paul) touching her for a while. Because she was violated sexually and we all know that Charlotte loves sex especially with Cooper, we will probably see her turn away from it. She will no doubt avoid being touched by Cooper and will not want to have sex but the man that Cooper is, he will understand why and be by her side no matter what. Cooper loves Charlotte so much that he would never pressure her into doing something that she is not ready for. He is a good man, he is her man, and he would never walk away from her.
My Personal Experience
I know when I was raped I didn’t want to be touched by anyone, even the doctors who had to see to me. It just reminds you of the whole attack and it makes you feel that it is happening again. When my boyfriend tried to be intimate with me after the attack, I know I just couldn’t do it. I would hyperventilate and have panic attacks constantly and it took me a good 6 months to finally overcome that. Every person is different so for some people it may be longer or shorter to overcome these after effects.
Private Practice Conclusion
We all know that no matter what happens after Charlotte’s attack it will never be the same again for the lives of ‘Private Practice’. It will not just change the lives of Charlotte and Cooper, but it will also change the rest of Ocean Side wellness Group as well. They are a family and in a family if one person gets hurt they all do too, it’s as simple as that.
It will be a roller-coaster ride for Charlotte and Cooper with ups and downs but thank goodness for Shonda’s promise to us all. If you don’t know what promise she made to us, it was the fact that they will still get married and be together throughout the entire ordeal. I trust her that this promise will be kept, after-all she is the brains behind this fantastic show so what she says I believe. What will happen to Charlotte after the attack? I only know what I have seen or heard and I may be completely wrong, so it’s best to keep watching.
Special Thanks to:
Kadee Strickland playing Charlotte King
Paul Adelstein playing Cooper Freedman
AND...
Shonda Rhimes creator and writer of Private Practice
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sexual Abuse Verses Rape Effects Part One
‘Now it’s just between me and you Natasha okay? No one needs to know, not even your mom or grandma.’ This is one conversation I will never forget as I was 9 years old at the time and my trustworthy Nana, (of all people) left me alone several times with this creep! Yes it was kept a secret to what I can remember but for how long, I have no idea. All I know is that from the time this happened until now, it has affected me in more ways than I could imagine. It’s not normal for a person to be able to experience both sexual abuse and rape in one lifetime but for me unfortunately I have.
SEXUAL ABUSE
Sexual abuse scared me growing up as at the abuse started; it was the time I had learning difficulties. To my knowledge of what I can remember is that after the abuse had taken place I would go to school and not learn. I would disconnect myself from the world and go into La La land as a way of escaping. This led me into having comprehension problems and gave me the learning disorder named ‘dysgraphia’. This effect's the way I communicate where in my head I know what I am thinking but expressing it down on paper I find it difficult. I have now learnt to manage it by myself as when I write stories, essays or blogs I read it out loud to myself. This is where I can hear my mistakes but if I didn’t read it out loud, it would make no sense at all because my sentences would be all jumbled.
SEXUAL ABUSE
When I was in middle school I was an outgoing, nice girl who loved to be centre of attention. Everyone in my family thought I would be an actress when I was older and so did I. I even did drama lessons at school and loved it, but once it came to performing in front of people that was when I would freeze up. I would freeze up like a statue unable to open my lips, as everyone’s eyes glazed at me. I used to think ‘Natasha, what’s wrong with you? They are just people not killer sharks, so get a grip!’ Unfortunately telling myself that, just made me feel crazy and it didn’t help anyway. This happened all throughout high school and it only was because of my film course at ‘SouthSeas Film and Television School’ that I got over my fear of public speaking.
SEXUAL ABUSE
When I got to junior high school, my friends started to interact with guys and I tried as well but every time I would talk to one I would get tense and hyperventilate. I used to tell myself it was just nerves but deep down I knew. I knew it was because I was scared a horny teenage boy would do what my abuser did to me. This used to scare me every time I was alone with males and even family members I trusted with my life. This carried on through-out my high school years and even now I am still very cautious. Hence why I sleep with my laptop playing Private Practice on at night and my cell phone next to me, just in case.
RAPE
Having to go through sexual abuse is bad enough but to go through rape as well, is not fun at all. It definitely changes the way you think, feel and carries many intimacy issues and because of this you struggle to find someone you can trust, love and be open with. It makes you also very aware of what is going on around you and when to be cautious as I am always on the lookout for potential creeps.
RAPE
To approach a person who has been raped is like approaching shattered glass because you have to be careful where you walk and what you say to them. When the first person approached me when I was raped I couldn’t look at them as I was embarrassed, anxious and in denial. They asked me ‘Are you okay? What happened?’ I should have said ‘I have been raped and the guy is running away down there’ but instead I said ‘I just want to go home. Please just take me home!’I was stupid at the time as I never got examined for my rape because I was too ashamed and thought it was my fault. Now I have to pay the price every time I got for my woman check it hurts real badly, because I am always very tense and anxious.
RAPE
Not only does rape affect you physically but it also affects you mentally and emotionally for the rest of your life. I try to stay positive about it all but how can you? I mean there’s nothing positive or uplifting about it at all. The only positive outcome I can think of that can come out of this ordeal, is once I have helped myself I can help others. Word of mouth is a very powerful tool and one day I hope my tragedies and life obstacles can help or prevent others from going through what I have had too.
PRIVATE PRACTICE STORY
I am very grateful for ‘Private Practice’ because if it were not for the rape storyline that the phenomenal actress KaDee Strickland is part of, then I would not have opened up about my own attack. At first when I heard about the ‘Private Practice’ story I was mortified and upset for several days but as I started to think about it, it made me realize how amazing the story will be for us victims out there. Yes it will be hard to watch, but I am going to make myself watch it, even if it means clutching onto the tissue box for several weeks.
SEXUAL ABUSE
Sexual abuse scared me growing up as at the abuse started; it was the time I had learning difficulties. To my knowledge of what I can remember is that after the abuse had taken place I would go to school and not learn. I would disconnect myself from the world and go into La La land as a way of escaping. This led me into having comprehension problems and gave me the learning disorder named ‘dysgraphia’. This effect's the way I communicate where in my head I know what I am thinking but expressing it down on paper I find it difficult. I have now learnt to manage it by myself as when I write stories, essays or blogs I read it out loud to myself. This is where I can hear my mistakes but if I didn’t read it out loud, it would make no sense at all because my sentences would be all jumbled.
SEXUAL ABUSE
When I was in middle school I was an outgoing, nice girl who loved to be centre of attention. Everyone in my family thought I would be an actress when I was older and so did I. I even did drama lessons at school and loved it, but once it came to performing in front of people that was when I would freeze up. I would freeze up like a statue unable to open my lips, as everyone’s eyes glazed at me. I used to think ‘Natasha, what’s wrong with you? They are just people not killer sharks, so get a grip!’ Unfortunately telling myself that, just made me feel crazy and it didn’t help anyway. This happened all throughout high school and it only was because of my film course at ‘SouthSeas Film and Television School’ that I got over my fear of public speaking.
SEXUAL ABUSE
When I got to junior high school, my friends started to interact with guys and I tried as well but every time I would talk to one I would get tense and hyperventilate. I used to tell myself it was just nerves but deep down I knew. I knew it was because I was scared a horny teenage boy would do what my abuser did to me. This used to scare me every time I was alone with males and even family members I trusted with my life. This carried on through-out my high school years and even now I am still very cautious. Hence why I sleep with my laptop playing Private Practice on at night and my cell phone next to me, just in case.
RAPE
Having to go through sexual abuse is bad enough but to go through rape as well, is not fun at all. It definitely changes the way you think, feel and carries many intimacy issues and because of this you struggle to find someone you can trust, love and be open with. It makes you also very aware of what is going on around you and when to be cautious as I am always on the lookout for potential creeps.
RAPE
To approach a person who has been raped is like approaching shattered glass because you have to be careful where you walk and what you say to them. When the first person approached me when I was raped I couldn’t look at them as I was embarrassed, anxious and in denial. They asked me ‘Are you okay? What happened?’ I should have said ‘I have been raped and the guy is running away down there’ but instead I said ‘I just want to go home. Please just take me home!’I was stupid at the time as I never got examined for my rape because I was too ashamed and thought it was my fault. Now I have to pay the price every time I got for my woman check it hurts real badly, because I am always very tense and anxious.
RAPE
Not only does rape affect you physically but it also affects you mentally and emotionally for the rest of your life. I try to stay positive about it all but how can you? I mean there’s nothing positive or uplifting about it at all. The only positive outcome I can think of that can come out of this ordeal, is once I have helped myself I can help others. Word of mouth is a very powerful tool and one day I hope my tragedies and life obstacles can help or prevent others from going through what I have had too.
PRIVATE PRACTICE STORY
I am very grateful for ‘Private Practice’ because if it were not for the rape storyline that the phenomenal actress KaDee Strickland is part of, then I would not have opened up about my own attack. At first when I heard about the ‘Private Practice’ story I was mortified and upset for several days but as I started to think about it, it made me realize how amazing the story will be for us victims out there. Yes it will be hard to watch, but I am going to make myself watch it, even if it means clutching onto the tissue box for several weeks.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Just Pick up the Phone and do it! Do it for Charlotte
Picking up the phone and dialing the rape helpline number was a piece of cake, but once I heard the poor lady speak on the other end of the phone, I choked up and hung up on her. Yes that’s right, I chickened out and it felt good for like 20seconds, until I started to think of ‘Private Practice’. I started to tell myself ‘what would Charlotte do? What would KaDee say? And the response I imagined her saying was, ‘Tash, stop being such a coward and just do it for god’s sake! You can’t help others unless you help yourself first!’ I know I sound crazy but imaging KaDee saying that actually worked. I got the courage to ring the rape helpline again and this time instead of hanging up, I spoke human word’s, after a minute of silence first.
Should I, or shouldn’t I? I can’t decide what to do. I really want to go to my first appointment but I just know, I will be petrified to go in. Just thinking about it scares the living daylights out of me and it’s giving me the shakes just thinking about what will happen. So many thoughts are running through my head about the idea of telling some stranger about my horrific attack. I haven’t even verbally told anyone about it yet, so the thought of spilling my guts to a councilor makes me very anxious. I’m already an anxious person so is it worth putting my body through more stress than its already in? I would love to accept this and to go run and hide under my bed than going. however, I know if I don’t face up to do it, it will just eat me alive. So I have to go, I just have to! if not for me, i have to do it for all the Charlotte's out in the world. I know i owe it to myself and to other victims to come froward bout it, but the thought just terrifies me.
What are they going to ask me? What are they going to make me say? I can’t get these questions out of my head right now. I’m so worried that they will stare at me with crazy eyes, not believing a word I say because them not believing me would make me feel like I deserve everything that happened to me. I can already hear them say, ‘damn girl you bring it on yourself’ and it’s not a good feeling to have. Sometimes I do think like that and it makes me feel like God is punishing me for trying to be a good person. I hope he isn’t because I seem to be getting punished severely in the past 5 years if so. Why is it that some people get everything in life handed to them with no troubles, and I get every worst thing possible? I’ve been through, car accidents, sexual abuse, depression, alcoholism, death of boyfriend, gluten allergy, migraine aura, rape, and now neurological issues. Can there be anything else worse to come for me? I hope not! There is only so much one person can take in life so please oh please give me something to look forward too.
Ever since hearing the story about Charlotte getting raped on Private Practice, It has made me think very deeply about my own attack. It’s been giving me nightmares and no sleep, but the underline of it all is that I think it was a good thing to hear about, as it will help me deal with my experience. It is because of Private Practice that I got the courage to FINALLY ring and make an appointment with the rape helpline.
So as I wait for my appointment with the rape helpline I will start to think of the emotional and mental questions they will no doubt ask me so I am prepared. I really wish that Violet or Amy were a real therapist as she would have been my first choice. One can only wish.
Should I, or shouldn’t I? I can’t decide what to do. I really want to go to my first appointment but I just know, I will be petrified to go in. Just thinking about it scares the living daylights out of me and it’s giving me the shakes just thinking about what will happen. So many thoughts are running through my head about the idea of telling some stranger about my horrific attack. I haven’t even verbally told anyone about it yet, so the thought of spilling my guts to a councilor makes me very anxious. I’m already an anxious person so is it worth putting my body through more stress than its already in? I would love to accept this and to go run and hide under my bed than going. however, I know if I don’t face up to do it, it will just eat me alive. So I have to go, I just have to! if not for me, i have to do it for all the Charlotte's out in the world. I know i owe it to myself and to other victims to come froward bout it, but the thought just terrifies me.
What are they going to ask me? What are they going to make me say? I can’t get these questions out of my head right now. I’m so worried that they will stare at me with crazy eyes, not believing a word I say because them not believing me would make me feel like I deserve everything that happened to me. I can already hear them say, ‘damn girl you bring it on yourself’ and it’s not a good feeling to have. Sometimes I do think like that and it makes me feel like God is punishing me for trying to be a good person. I hope he isn’t because I seem to be getting punished severely in the past 5 years if so. Why is it that some people get everything in life handed to them with no troubles, and I get every worst thing possible? I’ve been through, car accidents, sexual abuse, depression, alcoholism, death of boyfriend, gluten allergy, migraine aura, rape, and now neurological issues. Can there be anything else worse to come for me? I hope not! There is only so much one person can take in life so please oh please give me something to look forward too.
Ever since hearing the story about Charlotte getting raped on Private Practice, It has made me think very deeply about my own attack. It’s been giving me nightmares and no sleep, but the underline of it all is that I think it was a good thing to hear about, as it will help me deal with my experience. It is because of Private Practice that I got the courage to FINALLY ring and make an appointment with the rape helpline.
So as I wait for my appointment with the rape helpline I will start to think of the emotional and mental questions they will no doubt ask me so I am prepared. I really wish that Violet or Amy were a real therapist as she would have been my first choice. One can only wish.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Alcohol Almost killed Me - It's Not Worth It
‘One glass of wine should be okay, oh maybe another one; I’ll be okay to have one more’. This is what I was saying every night of the week for 3years of my life. People may think that it sounds pathetic and not true at all, but I was in fact labeled as a Binge drinking Alcoholic. At the time I started in 2005, It was just to fit in with my friends as ‘social drinking’, but as time went on and I started to feel depressed it became a daily ritual to drink a minimum of a bottle of wine before going to bed. No matter how busy or where I was, I would always find a way to drink, even if it meant secret drinking under my bed.
In 2006 the drinking problem continued and got worse. Instead of drinking a bottle of wine every night, I would also drink a litre of pure vodka every second to third night too. No one knew I had a problem at the time and my friends did not seem to care, as they were the ones that would encourage me to do it. My parents had no idea that this was going on with me because I was very good at hiding it from them. I would go out partying, go out to drinks, and then go clubbing in town. It was after my boyfriend died, where my alcohol problems really started. I was so depressed, hurt, angry, guilty and sad that at the time alcohol was the only way I thought would make me feel better. It did for a while until I realized that your problems don’t go away by pushing them away because they eventually start eating away at you, and they did. Going out night clubbing was where my problems got worse as there were so many nights I couldn’t remember but every morning I would wake up not knowing where I was and very hung over. I was a prime target for predators to jump me but I was very lucky at this point of time.
This continued throughout 2007 and into 2008, and it was in 2008 where I finally got the wake up call. During University/spring break I drunk 14 days in a row non-stop. I thought I was fine on the 14th day but when I woke up I was in extreme pain. I sufferer alcohol poisoning for another 2weeks and when I finally gave up hiding the pain I went to the doctors. The doctor told me if I kept drinking as I was, I would be dead in a year. He also told me I had some liver damage but if I stopped drinking straight away my liver could repair itself. This is where I knew I had to surrender and approach my mom (The Real Charlotte King) about what was happening to me. This is where I was told to give up ‘cold turkey’ or to go to rehab. I decided to go ‘cold turkey’ because I wanted to prove to everyone that I wanted to change and that I was not an alcoholic.
I was doing very well at the no-drinking policy in 2009, that was until the darkest and most horrific thing ever happened to me. The rape brought up many of my old feelings to hit the bottle again. I wanted too so much but every time I tried I could see my boyfriend’s face on it saying, ‘No Natasha! It’s not your time to be with me yet. You’re worth way more than that bottle will ever do to you. I’ll be here waiting for you but only when your old and grey.’ So I concurred the alcohol cravings and when you give up a craving you instantly find another. This time the craving/obsessions I have now are harmless but to others make me seem weird. My new cravings is now Sketching, television shows, movies, scriptwriting, poem writing, Twitter, having role models, and of course talking about ‘Private Practice’.
Everywhere I go now, I have to ask ‘Does that beef fillet meal have red wine in the sauce? If so, can you please not put it on mine? Sometimes they ask why don’t I want it and so I have to say, ‘Because I’m a recovering alcoholic.’ If I did not ask and just assumed there was none and I found out it did contain alcohol I could be putting myself in jeopardy for falling back into my old habits. So far I have lasted 2years without even a drop of alcohol and I feel very good about it. My friends don’t understand as they still pressure me to drink but seeing as I haven’t gone anywhere this year it’s been quite easy for me to say ‘No thanks I’m driving.’ So for the ones that drink like what I used too, what ever you do, don’t end up like me and stop now before you dig yourselves an early grave. It is just not worth it, believe me!
In 2006 the drinking problem continued and got worse. Instead of drinking a bottle of wine every night, I would also drink a litre of pure vodka every second to third night too. No one knew I had a problem at the time and my friends did not seem to care, as they were the ones that would encourage me to do it. My parents had no idea that this was going on with me because I was very good at hiding it from them. I would go out partying, go out to drinks, and then go clubbing in town. It was after my boyfriend died, where my alcohol problems really started. I was so depressed, hurt, angry, guilty and sad that at the time alcohol was the only way I thought would make me feel better. It did for a while until I realized that your problems don’t go away by pushing them away because they eventually start eating away at you, and they did. Going out night clubbing was where my problems got worse as there were so many nights I couldn’t remember but every morning I would wake up not knowing where I was and very hung over. I was a prime target for predators to jump me but I was very lucky at this point of time.
This continued throughout 2007 and into 2008, and it was in 2008 where I finally got the wake up call. During University/spring break I drunk 14 days in a row non-stop. I thought I was fine on the 14th day but when I woke up I was in extreme pain. I sufferer alcohol poisoning for another 2weeks and when I finally gave up hiding the pain I went to the doctors. The doctor told me if I kept drinking as I was, I would be dead in a year. He also told me I had some liver damage but if I stopped drinking straight away my liver could repair itself. This is where I knew I had to surrender and approach my mom (The Real Charlotte King) about what was happening to me. This is where I was told to give up ‘cold turkey’ or to go to rehab. I decided to go ‘cold turkey’ because I wanted to prove to everyone that I wanted to change and that I was not an alcoholic.
I was doing very well at the no-drinking policy in 2009, that was until the darkest and most horrific thing ever happened to me. The rape brought up many of my old feelings to hit the bottle again. I wanted too so much but every time I tried I could see my boyfriend’s face on it saying, ‘No Natasha! It’s not your time to be with me yet. You’re worth way more than that bottle will ever do to you. I’ll be here waiting for you but only when your old and grey.’ So I concurred the alcohol cravings and when you give up a craving you instantly find another. This time the craving/obsessions I have now are harmless but to others make me seem weird. My new cravings is now Sketching, television shows, movies, scriptwriting, poem writing, Twitter, having role models, and of course talking about ‘Private Practice’.
Everywhere I go now, I have to ask ‘Does that beef fillet meal have red wine in the sauce? If so, can you please not put it on mine? Sometimes they ask why don’t I want it and so I have to say, ‘Because I’m a recovering alcoholic.’ If I did not ask and just assumed there was none and I found out it did contain alcohol I could be putting myself in jeopardy for falling back into my old habits. So far I have lasted 2years without even a drop of alcohol and I feel very good about it. My friends don’t understand as they still pressure me to drink but seeing as I haven’t gone anywhere this year it’s been quite easy for me to say ‘No thanks I’m driving.’ So for the ones that drink like what I used too, what ever you do, don’t end up like me and stop now before you dig yourselves an early grave. It is just not worth it, believe me!
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