Okay being told that my rape was my fault by one hotline I could cope with, but three well now that has made my brain go into overdrive of thoughts and questions on the matter. Thinking about what these rape hotlines have told me (which I won’t name names) about how I could have prevented this from happening is making my brain hurt. After thinking about it for an hour, I have come to the conclusion that they are probably right. I understand where they are coming from because I was under the influence of alcohol at the time and I did give my attacker consent to sleep with me before we started anything. But when I said ‘no’ millions of times and I was aware of the situation does that still make it my fault? That’s where I get confused as to if it was my fault or not. You would think after crying so much during the situation would make the person realize I was not joking. This is where I also needed the reassurance and help from the rape hotlines but all I got from them was ‘you were not under 21, you were drinking and he was too so you are partially at fault for it but not for the actual rape part because that was wrong.’ This even came from the one rape hotline I truly felt would help me and I felt safe to talk too.
I waited for 26hours to talk to them and for them to say they can’t help me because I’m not an American or an American citizen felt like a waste of time. All I wanted to do was to talk to someone about the attack and to get some questions answered about if it was my fault or not. After talking to my newfound friend, she reminded me that they are only one organization in the entire US and don’t have any others. I forgot about that so no wonder why they didn’t want to help me. There are millions of people who are probably in the same position as me and they should come first seeing as that organization is there to help their own people first.
Just like the character Charlotte (KaDee Strickland) off Private Practice would say I am a fighter, not a victim. I will not let it get me down either because if I do, it will destroy me. I deserve to be happy because I am a good and nice person who always puts others before my own self. I have had so many bad things happen to me and I need to have something good to come my way. I pray for it everyday and one day soon I hope it comes. I also pray for those silent victims to come forward, if not to the world to someone you can trust because if you leave it too long it will just make you less happy, less loved and we deserve to be happy and to be loved!
I don´t know you, but your story is very moving. No one should be forced to do sth against their will. Don´t you even think it was your fault. If you said NO, there was no consent. Period. Can´t believe you were treated like that from people who are supposed to help, you should report them, seriously. According to you, it´s been a long time ago, but no matter how hard you try to forget, it´ll always come up again. Maybe some therapy will help you cope with it. Hope you find peace soon. Take good care of herself :-) Love from Argentina.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments. Its much appreciated. they might have meant it differently but that is what they said and they are kind of right. i was intoxicated at the time... but sober enough to know what was happening.
ReplyDeleteI don´t think they´re right, Tash. The fact that you were intoxicated doesn´t mean that you gave your consent. It´s two different things from my perspective. If you said NO, that´s it. I know it must be hard to go over it again, but getting professional advice would be one of the best things you could do to start healing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reassuring me that! Because i keeping asking myself that question? I wish i hadn't been drinking because i am an alcoholic and slipped up that night. It didn't help the situation. You are right about seeking professional help though.
ReplyDeleteTash, I'm the director of a Rape Crisis Hotline and I honestly am at a loss of words after reading this post. I cannot believe (but i do believe you) that a hotline did this to you. I am sorry this is/was your experience. It is absolutely unacceptable. If you have ever looked at the Dating bill of rights one of the rights states, "you have the right to say no, AT ANY TIME!" It doesn't matter if you were drinking, if you said yes in the beginning and then changed your mind, at the moment you said no, or pushed them away or pulled your clothes back on your partner had the RESPONSIBILITY to stop, and when they didn't it became rape. Again, i'm so sorry you were told it was your fault, because it wasn't. You did what you needed to do to survive and your should be proud of yourself for being a fighter. Best of luck to you. I hope you continue your journey to recovery.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments. It is good to hear that you say it's not my fault because it's a question that i have been battling with since it happened to me. After the conversation i had with them it made me decide not to try again and try tackle this by myself. I really think its my calling to help other survivors come forward and know its not their fault either. But i can't help others until i help myself first. For the whole story on what happened to me please go to RAINN facebook page and i have written my story on their wall.
ReplyDeletehttp://joyfulheartfoundation.org/
ReplyDeleteGood luck and god bless xoxo