After More than a Year, I finally went to where my Rape Took Place

10:00am
After my last blog I wrote, I have decided to do what Charlotte has done and that is to face the scene of where my attack and rape happened. It’s something I have been putting off for way too long and to fully move forward with my life I need to do it. I need to rip the band-aid off and face the problem head on.

Midday
The emotions of shock, horror, and fear swept over me as I sat in the car trying to physically get out and take the first step and stand in the crime scene. I kept thinking of that horrible night as my brain started over flood with flashbacks to my rape and attack, with vivid, detailed images. I was shaking like a leaf with my eyes closed, clutching for my dear life on the car steering wheel, as I was telling myself ‘I can do this, I can do this, I need too. Just think of Charlotte and all of your rape survivors, they want you to do this and you need too. Come on Tash, you are a fighter and strong, don’t let this guy defeat you.’ After telling myself this, my body started to relax, I unclenched the grip of the steering wheel and slowly started to open my eyes. Now all I had to do was get out of the car, and be done with it. The thought of doing that was killing me, and after 25minutes of being a woss, I got tough and did it.

12:25pm
As soon as I touched the memorable driveway where my rape took place, my eyes started to stream out tears. It was very overwhelming for me and made me feel very emotional, more emotional than I thought I would be. The scene looked exactly as I had remembered it. It was very beautiful to normal person’s eye with lovely gardens, an Anglican church, and lots of greenery but for me it has now been tarnished with nightmares, screams, violence, and horrific pain. As I look around at what I see in front of me, I start to panic and struggle to breathe, and I could feel a panic/anxiety attack start to arise. I needed to calm down but what will help? Picturing a sunset, lying on the beach and going DVD shopping didn’t work either, but picturing Charlotte aka KaDee smiling at me telling me it will be okay, now that started to make me relax. As I walked to the spot where it happened, I sat down and thought about everything I have been through.

12:45pm
I sat in silence in this spot for a further 20 minutes just thinking and is where something amazing happened. I felt a presence of someone beside me and no I was not imaging it. I felt my boyfriend who was killed in a car accident next to me with him saying, ‘I am watching you and I know you are a fighter. You are the strongest person I have ever known and you can beat this. God has a plan for you and he wants you to use this awful experience to help others just like you have been.’ This was the calling I needed and he was right, I’m a special person. I know that by sharing my experience with others, can help survivors come to terms with there ones and know that they are not alone.

From that moment I knew everything would be okay and if I can get through all of this, I can get through anything. Bring it on I say because nothing can defeat me! I am a survivor and I will never ever stop fighting.

A Moment of Silence:
Please take a moment of silence after reading this for all of those rape victims who never survived their attacks. My sincere apologies and love go out to all their friends, families and loved ones. My hearts goes out to you all and just know that they are up in heaven with God. God is looking after them, just like he is looking after my boyfriend.